In the past, some people believed that communication took place in a "gender free" zone; that communication impacted men and women in the same way. Today we know that's a fallacy. There are some distinct differences between how men and women use language and communicate. There are differences in what we talk about, laugh about, how we relate to people and many others. Researchers disagree on how wide the gender gap is, but it does exist. Understanding how the opposite gender interacts with the world can make our communication with them much easier.

A slight disclaimer here, please remember that we're talking in generalities. Not all women do what the research says that women do and not all men do what it says that men do. But there certainly are some commonalities. Remember, it's not about right and wrong, good or bad, better or worse, it's about understanding and being understood.

Dr. Deborah Tannen had done a great deal of research in this area and has several books that you might find interesting. One is You Just Don't Understand that concerns general conversational rituals between men and women. Another is Talking From 9 to 5 and it deals specifically with gender communication in the work place. They are very eye-opening and fairly easy reads.

One of the ways in which men and women differ is in the subjects that we like to discuss. We women and our female friends often discuss personal and domestic issues, relationships, health, food, weight, clothing and men. Men and their male friends are more likely to discuss music, current events, sports, business and women. Being willing to talk about subjects which don't particularly interest you is a way of enhancing your communication with the opposite sex. However men, be aware, that talking about a woman's weight is NEVER a good idea!!

According to Tannen, men see the world as a hierarchy where someone is "up" and the other is "down." Men try to maintain the upper hand to stay in the "one-up" position and protect themselves from being put down. That's why men are less likely to share their feelings and vulnerabilities. It would put them at a disadvantage. That's also the reason that they seem reluctant to ask directions on a project or how to get to a new location. It also explains a typical male communication style, the "putdown." They "put down" another person to keep themselves in the "king of the hill" position.

Women use conversation and communication to build relationships and for cooperation and collaboration. Conversation is used as a way of finding and giving support. While men try to protect themselves from being put down, we women try to protect ourselves from being rejected both in one-on-one and group situations. We don't like to be isolated. We share our troubles to build a relationship and as a way of bonding. We generally self-disclose more easily than men, because we aren't afraid of being vulnerable. In fact, self-disclosure is crucial to building a relationship. If we tell another woman about ourselves and she doesn't respond with something about herself, she becomes suspect and is less likely to be trusted.

So how does all of this work in real life? Here's an example. I was once embroiled in an unpleasant conflict with a colleague. He and I just didn't get along no matter how hard we tried (and we both did). When I made an effort to helpful and offer suggestions about our work together, he got very defensive. He constantly rebuffed me and it seemed that everything I tried to do to solve the problem only made it worse.

After I read Tannen, I realized that he saw my offers of help as an effort to put him down, as if I thought he was inadequate in some way. That wasn't my feeling at all. It never crossed my mind. I was trying to build collaboration and community. Once I was aware of our different perceptions of the same situation, I was able to react differently. I was more gentle in the way I presented ideas and suggestions, I didn't get defensive when he tried to "one-up" me, and I let him know how valuable he was to the department. Our relationship improved.

Humor is also an area where men and women have different perspectives. The "roast" is a typical male form of humor. Tell the other person their faults and if they take it well, they're "okay." We women don't wait for others to make jokes at our expense, we put ourselves down. Both sexes seem to enjoy intellectual humor such as puns.

It really isn't an impossible mission to talk to the opposite sex. You must simply understand and appreciate the way in which that opposite sex co-worker or family member communicates and adjust for it. You aren't giving up your uniqueness or giving in to them, you're simply trying to find the place of greatest understanding.

*****Candice M. Coleman, Ph.D. uses presentations, coaching and learning resources to help business executives and others have more presence, influence and authenticity in their communication. She can be reached by phone at 314-621-9228 or on the Web at www.SayItWell.com.

© Say It Well! Inc. 2002. [Permission is granted to reprint this article provided that complete bio and contact information are included and that a copy of the publication is sent to: Say It Well! Inc., 1822 Hickory Street, St. Louis, MO 63104.]